Inspired Action For Imperfect Humans – S2EP8: “Your Greatest Struggle”
“Your Greatest Struggle” Brief Summary of Show:
In this episode learn to take inspired action as we ask the questions, “What is my greatest struggle and how can I overcome it?” Host Kyle tells a story about his struggle of being a young immigrant student, and having to be held back a grade. Host Christopher tells a story about his struggle with his mindset and the various leadership he’s had in his life. Kyle and Christopher drop strategies to overcome struggles, to know when to let go, or when to ask for help.
Calls to Action:
Tell us your “inspired stories” stories by visiting www.InspiredActionPodcast.ca
Christopher Lawrence LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/career-life-coach-christopher-lawrence/
Kyle Kalloo LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kyle-kalloo/
Change My Life Coaching & Strategic Leader LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/6446498/admin/
Change My Life Coaching: https://changemylifecoaching.ca
Strategic Leader: https://strategicleader.ca
Resources:
https://www.instituteofcoaching.org/resources/2014-march-coaching-report
“Your Greatest Struggle” Transcript:
But I struggled with it because I had to speak English a certain way. And actually the teacher at the time actually kept me back a year
Is the thought of being imperfect, keeping you from taking action? Welcome to inspired action for imperfect humans. Each week, we give you real life stories and thought provoking research that inspires your soul to live a more fulfilled life through your own actions. From the heart of Calgary Canada. Here are your hosts award winning coaches, Christopher Lawrence and Kyle Kalloo.
Welcome. Welcome. Welcome back everyone. Thank you so much for joining us today, Today’s podcast I’m actually really excited about this podcast because it’s about your greatest struggle. Now, Hopefully we still have people here. We still have people listening.
Girl, I’m running out the door.
No one wants to hear that because when you think about it though, what are some of your greatest struggle? Like, you know, we all have struggled. There’s all these different things that’s happening but what do you find is your biggest struggle? So what came to mind for you?
Well, I don’t know where to start, Like the time I declared bankruptcy or the time that my, the balcony was falling off my condo, or the time that I worked at West Jet and Trans Canada and needed antidepressants for four years, like, like which one?
Okay hold on, okay slow down.
Or was it the time I was a drug addict? I’m not sure, which one?
You have lots of struggles. You have lots of Struggles.
Hence there’s the door, And I’m on the other side of it.
But let’s- let’s- let’s tell a story about those struggles. Let’s just tell the story about those struggles.
You tell a story about one of your greatest struggles.
You know what- You know what that’s fair. One of-when I was thinking about this and I don’t know and this gives you a chance to do a little bit of research while we’re doing this, Oh my goodness, The sun is coming in. Here’s the struggle, I think a lot of people don’t know, I was quite young when I first moved- When we first moved from Jamaica, the Island and came I actually struggled with English. And so I struggled with, and I know what you’re thinking. I’m still struggling, but I still
Kyle speaks 15 languages, but he doesn’t speak any of them well, like he can understand some Cantonese, He can understand some Japanese, he understands Patois, He understands French, but nobody else, he understands English but nobody else on earth can understand what he’s saying.
That is not, Okay. He’s, that’s not true. That’s not true. But I struggled with it because I-I had to speak English a certain way, and actually the teacher at the time actually kept me back a year. I don’t know if they still do that if they still keep people back. So she kept me back a year because she said that my English wasn’t great. So that was a huge struggle, because then it starts to tell a lot of different stories right? What does that mean? I’m not like everyone else and any, I mean I’m sure most immigrants get this. When you go to another country, you all try to fit in. We all wanted to fit in, and so when this teacher told me I did not fit in because I could not speak the language. That is the problem. That was a big struggle. How about you?
How did you resolve it? I mean, like, like you got kept back a year.
Why don’t we hold that thought for when we’re talking about inspired actions?
Sure.
Cause it’s, yeah, Some things that I did and I’m sure some things you’re going to touch on as well is going to be on that, but make no mistake, It was deliberate. Like my work to improve on those struggles was, was huge. And it shifted a lot of things in my life. For sure. For sure.
I think for me it was, you know, it’s- it’s been a mindset struggle, right? So there’s certain things I think that if you don’t get them when you’re growing up, it-it is really a lifetime journey to practice them. Because, you know, by the time you’re six or seven some of that neuroplasticity is locked in there. And so if you don’t get it, like you can’t rewind the clock. So I’m not saying that it’s, that it’s hard every day. I’m just saying that, that for some people it’s a practice every day, And I think my biggest struggle has always been my own mindset. Right. Which I think is probably what makes me good at what I do as a coach, to be honest, you know we did just, win the- we found this out last week we won the 2021 consumer’s choice award, So now we’re two years running.
That is awesome. You know, and I think it’s all that work leading up to that because you know, anyone who’s an entrepreneur anyone who’s trying to get to something in life, And I think when you get that award is that achievement it’s to say that that struggle you you’ve moved through it or you’re continuously moving through it. Right. And that’s really what that captures is saying, “Hey the work that you put into it has paid off.” And obviously for me, I said to that teacher at the time not only am I going to speak English better, right? I’m also going to learn some other languages on top of that to show you that I can, now here’s the head fake, I really wasn- I really wasn’t trying to just show her, I also was trying to show me. Right? Because often our biggest struggle was internally. What about a company that used to work on any you used to work for any store?
Oh Kyle, yeah. I’m always like- I think- you know eventually you switched companies a couple of times and you realize that you’re the common denominator. right? That was me, It’s like, you know I- Oh I still have the same problems with leadership. I was like, Oh, well that’s about me. You know? And certainly there was growth for them too, but- but a lot of it was about me. Yeah. I remember- working at trans Canada and having a contractor who is, you know like 15 years older than me reporting to me. And I was in my late twenties, and I had never really had leadership experience at that point in my life. Oh, I spent $60,000 on this contractor had nothing to show for it. Like I thought I’m going to lose my job. I was so depressed and distraught like, Oh man. it was so- I remember just being so afraid, So Damn Afraid. Right, Just anxious all the time. And you know, like finally get my boss and actually you coached me to go talk to my boss Stephanie. She was great, She was a good leader. She worked you hard, She could see things in you that you couldn’t see in yourself. But I think sometimes she saw things that weren’t actually there too, where it’s like I know I look back on it. I was like, I know what you’re saying, Stephanie but that wasn’t actually in me. I mean, and it still isn’t today, you know like great leader though. She was- she’s that kind of leader that she, you know, she’d advocate for, You she’d fight for you, you know, you know how to work. But, you know, I remember going in to talk to her and when I finally did it was like, I was like- she, she was like, “Oh I’m not giving you enough positive feedback.” That was, that was what she said. And here I’m like, I’m sweating bullets. And she’s like, “Oh I lost like two and a half million dollars on a project, you know, 10 years ago.” And I was like “what?”, and she like “Put it in perspective, like mistakes happen” Right?
When people struggle, you know, I think one thing, obviously because of what we do coaching is a great way to help someone through that. Because like you just mentioned there’s times where you have that internal struggle and how do you get out of it? Cause if you’re in it, right how are you going to get out of it? And I think there’s some coaching that allows for that, And we’re going to talk about some other tips around you know, what does that look like? But I’m actually kind of curious, you know what are some of the stats when it comes to, you know how to help someone through that?
I, I actually want to go back and I want to comment on something that you said. I think that we actually allow ourselves to struggle too long. So I’m not saying that we should always look for the easy way out. What I’m saying is that I see people over and over they ruminate and they struggle. And yep, we do need to do that for some things in life. But there’s a difference between struggling with a problem coming to the other side of it and going, “Ah, I get it!” right? versus like I’m ruminating, ruminating, ruminating and it’s getting me down. And, and I think, I think that there is a difference like ruminating is not the same as intensive problem solving. And when you’re ruminating, if it’s only on things that are out of your control, that’s when you know it’s time to create an intervention for yourself. Like I think it’s. I-I think people really miss the mark with this, It’s like, yes, I- we should not be just giving people a fish. We should be teaching people how to fish. I totally get that. But there’s some things that it’s like that- that- I think that we just aren’t applying that effectively where it’s like- it’s like- we’re- we’re just trying to spare people, Or we allow ourselves to struggle, And I see this more with men than women but I see it with both, where it’s like, it’s like a “I can figure this out on my own. I’m a man. I can figure this out on my own.” And it’s like, okay, well, yeah, totally. I’m sure that you can, you know like how many years has this been going on? Right. Like I’ve talked to some men that it’s like they’ve been struggling with something for 10 years and within six weeks, they’re a different person.
You know what, and that just triggers for me this thing, this notion. And yes, I agree with you even with my own clients. I see that with a lot of guys as well is we get really good at suffering in silence. Like we get really good and like any behavior we get really good at something. We may not like the behavior, So the the head fake I think people think behaviors are always this positive this great thing, but we suffer in silence. But here’s the thing, If you just don’t know, you don’t know. And if you have been training yourself over time on this behavior of suffering in silence, and when we say suffering in silence, what we’re talking about is people not tapping into additional resources, because if you realize you’re still getting back to the same thing, right? I mean, what do they say The definition of insanity is “Doing the same thing expecting a different result.” right? It’s that’s the silence thing is that you’re the only one suffering because the story is “I don’t want anyone else to know. I’m struggling. I’m want to keep this, you know, this this right outlook on life.” “I want to be the guy who’s positivity.” And we often say watch out for those ones, right? Because something may be happening behind the scenes cause they they’re trying to give more than they even get themselves, right?
Well, it’s- It is interesting. So I’m going to stereotype again here, And I want to be careful, like when I- when I talk about stuff like this, like the comment that I made about young men, this is, this is based off of my own personal bias with my own personal experience. This is not research data, So just, you know, to our listeners I- I’m very comfortable in- with what my statement of being true. I- I make this statement as, you know as an illusion to, you know, to real life recognizing that it is stereotyped in is not true in all cases. Cause, cause I’m going about to I’m about to make another statement here. Do you know what I noticed with women? Women will tend to talk about it amongst each other. So they there’s less suffering in silence mostly but what they’re focused on is what’s out of their control. So they’re talking about the pieces that are out of their control, and so it’s still not necessarily moving forward. I’m stereotyping here and I’m only basing it off my experience, my personal experience, being a coach having people come into my practice. Right. And so they’re there for a reason, Maybe I attract a certain type, Maybe it’s just what I see or assume, Right. So, so you know, to anybody who’s like hardcore data, you know in social researcher or in, you know, or- or you know, in interested in gender research and stuff, please understand that you know, that this isn’t about me being right. You know, I’m- I’m just basing it of my own personal bias. And so I think there, there is something here that’s really important to pay attention to, regardless of what you fall into . Like, I tend to be more like the women where it’s like I’ll talk about it and I’ll talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it But I focused on what’s out of my control, I’m not necessarily talking about the solutions. you my friend will suffer in silence so long and it’s like, it’s like, you’ll show up. You’ll be smiling, You’ll be dancing on Tik Tok. You’ll be, you know, you’ll be laughing. You’ll be having the time of your life. And then all of a sudden, it’s like for four days you have a headache and you don’t know why. And the rest of the office is looking around going, “Yeah Kyle’s stressed out right now.” And if we go ask, he’s like, “No, I’m not really stressed but it’s on my mind.” And I’m like, okay Mr. Suffer in silence. Right? So, and that’s part of, you know we each go through our own process but the question is, is that process productive? Like there comes a point in time where it’s not productive, right? So are you ruminating? Recycling thoughts over and over that are out of your control, not moving toward solution or you’re just struggling with a problem but you can feel yourself moving towards a solution. So I thought this is, you know, I wanted to do you asked me about research a couple of minutes ago, I wanted to ask about research. Yeah. Check, checking on research, So I actually came- came across this it’s a- it’s a meta analysis, so basically meta analysis is like- it’s like they look at a number of different studies and then they look at them more globally as opposed to into the weeds. So, so this is from the Institute of coaching but it’s actually an affiliate it’s McLean Affiliate of Harvard Medical School. So this is kinda, you know just giving people that- that source. So the, the study is called “does coaching work? a meta analysis on the effects of coaching on individual level outcomes in an organizational context.” So this would be like coaching at work.
Right.
So. I’m actually going to read the abstract. I won’t read the whole study. I want to read the abstract because I think this is important. “Whereas coaching is very popular as a management tool research on coaching effectiveness is lagging behind” And we know this, you know, we’ve seen this. “more over the studies on coaching that are currently available have focused on a large variety of processes and outcome measu- measures and generally lack a firm theoretical foundation.” So like all things in life, the popularity of it exceeds the research on its effectiveness. A quick question for you. If we found out that coaching was not effective would you quit your job? Would you wrap up the business and quit your job?
No.
That’s funny, I would. I would because I believe-
No I’d be the outlier.
I- I believe in the data of it, but- but we do see results which is what, where our data comes from. So anyway, “With the meta analysis presented in this article we aim to shed light on the effectiveness of coaching. Within an organizational context, we address the question whether coaching has an effect on five, both theoretically and practically relevant individual level outcome categories. So performance skills, well-being coping, working attitudes and goal directed self regulation.” So performance and skills, wellbeing, coping, work attitudes and goal directed self-regulation are the five. “The results show that coaching has significant positive effects on all outcomes, with effect sizes ranging from 0.43 coping, to 0.74 goal directed self-regulation.” I’m not a statistician, So I don’t know what those mean, but for those that that do know, that’ll be interesting for you. “These findings indicate that coaching overall is an effective intervention in organizations.”
Organization is one thing, but even in your life. And I think the reason why that-
Of course, I mean, if it’s effective in the workplace why not in your life? I don’t understand, because the five skills they’re talking about performance skills, wellbeing, coping, work attitudes and goal directed self regulation. Those five areas are not just about work except for the workout attitudes one.
You know what I liked that because you know, and it’s not for everyone, not everyone can work with a coach, Right? And we get that, And then there’s other people in our life that are coaching us, Right? And you know, I want to give some examples of you know, how can you, you actually kind of do that. And, but there’s other things that people could have access to, Right. And they just don’t even know. And so I would love for us to be able to talk about what are some ins you know, imperfect, inspired actions, right? What are some ins-inspired actions that people can be taking away, When we think about, you know, how they could work with a coach, and why they should work with a coach or something like that, Right? Or coaching tools so to speak. If you had to add to the list, what would you say
Kyle, I’m going to ask you a question before I give you the first one, and it’s obvious. Tell me about the coaches that you have in your life right now.
Oh, I have a few different means of coaching right now in my life one, I’m working with a coach and that’s more around money and financing and how we think about money, how we treat money. And he’s brilliant by the way. And one of the things that he drops there all the time is your money has to have a purpose. It can’t just sit there or, you know underneath your mattress, like is people still putting money under the mattress? I just want to know- who still has money underneath their mattress? If you could let me know your address ,and let me know when you’re going to be-
My husband would if he could, to be honest.
Having money in your mattress? And the other coach, you know in the coaching sense is my mother. Like every time I talked to this woman, there’s this how she hears about a problem or how we talk about a certain situation, There are some strategies and tactics that I get from this woman. And even in my own practice. And my clients will say that all the time I make reference to her, you know like lately something came out online, we saw where it says you know, why can’t people just have some sense? And one thing that my mom has often said you know, “common sense” because the comment was about where’s people’s common sense, And I said, my mom always said to me “common sense is not one of the five senses. So it’s unreliable, so you have to think it through.” Right? And so I can’t default to “why can’t they just have common sense?”
She’s a good coach in your life. You also have a music coach too.
Absolutely. I have a vocal coach now, a lot of people don’t know that, so don’t be airing up too much of my business, Okay. I also have a vocal coach working on that. And how about you? Like, what do you have? I think I-
So, so I have a financial coach as well because you know, it’s like, we need to learn about money and I think most people don’t know about it unless you choose that field. So, so my husband and I have a financial coach I also have a health coach right now. I have a mentor, and I have a… a psychologist as well that I kind of tap into mostly for booster shots right now but I have a psychologist as well. And then I know both you and I see coaching and other ways too, so I think Kyle, the number one way is how do you have a coach is- to go get a coach, go find a coach. The effectiveness of coaching is there. I think if you’re struggling through something your coach doesn’t always give you answers, right? Your coaches to help you come up with your own solutions to, to challenges that you’re facing using your own decision-making. So it’s, you know, it’s not like, Oh I can figure this out on my own. And it’s like, I’m sure that you can but if you’ve been struggling with something over and over and over again, you actually need to inject new thinking, So go get a coach. go get a coach in that thing you need, you know? And, and there’s lots of ways to do that. You can do it through an organization. You can do it through private coaching. You can do it for your entire organization, like what Kyle does, or you can do it through even- like even your church, if you’re a church person or a community organization, there’s all sorts of coaches. They don’t all carry the title of coach. Right? Like-
And that, and the other alternative to that cause like I was saying earlier not everyone could either, it’s an affordability thing. It could be an access thing. Depends on where people are in the world, That may be quite different. The second thing I would say is books. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten a good book. And if you don’t know what to read or where to go like talk to some people, right? Talk to some people. So books would be the next thing, Because in a book you can learn some stuff. And again, from a book you could be saying, okay what is the imperfect? or what is the inspired action I can take? How about number three. Is there any-
Yeah, exactly. And actually Kyle, I think most- not most a lot of coaches have also written books. So pick up their books and you know, go to the library, Books are- books can be free. Google stuff, check out people’s blogs check out coaching blogs. Cause there’s really good advice on there that doesn’t cost anything, as long as you have an internet connection and a web browser, I have written a book called go beyond passion. Kyle is working on his book and he’s been working on it so long that he needs to get a coach for it, Kyle. Anyway, Number three.
Yeah number three, number three.
One of the best ways to coach yourself is to actually ask yourself open-ended questions that move you forward. So I think, I think questions are powerful like you can, my clients do this all the time, It’s like, “I can’t figure out why I’m stuck. Why am I In this place? I already know what to do and I’m just not doing it.” I hear that a lot. That is a closed ended question. It doesn’t move you forward. Why you’re stuck is irrelevant. The question is what- “what needs to happen for you to move forward? And then add the words, what needs to happen that’s in my control, that will move me forward?” Because if it’s out of your control, cut your losses.
You said earlier with a group of people who are focusing on the things that it’s not in their control.
Yep.
Okay. If I could add number four I would say take a short coaching program take a short coaching course like there’s lots of people selling lots of coaches, lots of people selling around how to discover this, how to recognize this. And again there’s not a long commitment that could be a four week two week, one week, one webinar, again, look for a program that you can jump in and out, because a lot of those have those questions that you just said, Christopher that open ended questions that allows you to be able to think differently.
Yeah. You don’t have to become a coach to take a coaching course or, or be- you know- and actually all of them are useful, some are better than others, but there isn’t a coaching course on this plane that is a waste of time, because you’re going to learn something about yourself. So I actually- that’s why I took my first coaching certification was because I wanted to get better, and I needed some tools, so I think taking a coaching course is extremely helpful, which actually leads me to my number five and our last one, which is coach others, right? So you need to be invited in, but helping others through things that you have not resolved yet- helping others through things that you have not resolved yet, will actually help you resolve it for yourself because you’re going to be asking them questions that are powerful and help them move forward. And you’re going to get little realizations about solutions and stuff along the way. This is sounding- we don’t do this for coaching, we don’t try to therapize ourselves by coaching others. Certainly clients have come in and they’re, you know they’re struggling with things that we have also struggled with. And then- and then it’s like- you, my job is not to know because their solution might not be my solution. They’ve selected me and we coach them. And it’s like, all of a sudden, it’s like you have this realization that becomes really powerful for yourself. So coaching doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re seeking an income, but could you go volunteer or just help a friend and be a different kind of listener, Right? All people on earth are coaches. It’s just, some of us have chosen it as a career path.
Excellent. And so with that said thank you all for listening to another exciting podcast because I think all of our podcasts are awesome. So thank you for that. So for this week, the question is still the same. What will you do this week? What is one action, One thing that you heard today that you want to take inspired action on. It’s not about a list of five, 10, 15 things. It could just be one thing. What did you hear today that you want to take inspired action. Please let us know what else has been happening for you as far as struggle you’ll see a lot of our contact information in the show notes until next time take care.
It’s our goal to build a global community of inspired action takers. And we can only do that with your help. So if you love inspired action please leave a review on your favorite podcasting app and share a signer socials you’ve heard from us. Now we want to hear from you go to inspiredactionpodcast.ca and tell us what is the inspired action you took this week? Next week on inspired action for imperfect humans.
Would you want your leader to put someone like that in place become your leader who doesn’t have those relevant skills?
